Miller Tribe: Losing baby # 3
5 years married, wow. It's incredible how time goes by so fast without us even realizing. Day by day, month by month, year by year, we live life. We live it with all it's high's and low's, joys and trails, blessings and loss's. Two years ago we welcomed our first child into the world. This sweet angel decided to surprise us and arrive two weeks early on the day of our third wedding anniversary. We then welcomed Finnick 16 months later. (Another surprise!)
Once again, the Miller Tribe gets a surprise. Unexpectedly baby #3 was knit together in my womb, fearfully and wonderfully made inside me. To my shock, once again at only 8 months postpartum, those two little lines appeared. My honest thoughts? HOLY CRAP. Clearly Jason's pull out game is weak (TMI lol) My next thoughts? Yes, this is going to be A LOT of work; i'm going to be more tired than I ever have been, but hey what's one more right? Praise God for another sweet blessing.
Once again, one more surprise. However, this time, it's not a happy surprise. Our 5th wedding anniversary has arrived. It's September 14th, 2018 and not only are we celebrating 5 years of marriage, we're also rejoicing over the 2nd birthday of our sweet Addi girl. Surprise hits. As I wake up to go into Addison's room to say Happy Birthday, I head into the washroom. Blood. Pain. Loss. Grief overwhelms me as I realize we are losing this blessing, this joyful surprise - Miller Baby #3 is no longer being knit together in my womb. All I can picture is the unraveling. No longer being knit, hand crafted into a sweet boy or girl, but unraveling - slowly departing from me.
If you have ever lost a child through miscarriage you can relate to this sense of loss. You can understand the feeling of part of you dying and as you lose that piece of you, part of your heart feels like it's dying too. I thought to myself, "Girl, you'd think you'd be able to deal with this. This is your 3rd miscarriage". Jason and I have experienced this type of loss two other times in our marriage. Before having Addison, we miscarried twice. But let me tell you, no matter how many times you experience it, the pain doesn't lessen. In fact, if i'm being honest, this time has been the hardest for me personally. Although we weren't trying for a baby, after having two children earth side with us, I can now fully know the depth of what we just missed out on. Not to say the other two miscarriages weren't devastating. No, not by any means. But after experiencing the joy of being a mama to my two sweet babies here on earth with us, I know the blessing we just missed out on by losing this baby. I have been thinking a lot to myself "What would he or she look like? Would we have yet another baby that looks exactly like Jason? Would they laugh the same as Finn? Would they have a heart of service for other people like Addison?" These thoughts can go on forever, all day long. Yet, I feel like If I try to "feel" the loss of what happened, then I won't be "strong" for my other babies. But this is wrong. I need to let myself feel. I need to grieve the loss in order to be stronger.
What's next? Will the Miller Tribe, which was established on September 14th, 2013 continue to grow in numbers? Only the Lord knows. Will we have the joy and the honor of bringing another life into our family to shape, mold and love? Jesus knows. As my heart aches and I grieve the loss we have experienced, I am daily trying to surrender my hurt over to Jesus. Why? Because He tells me that He will carry my burdens. That He is close to the brokenhearted in their time of need. He binds up my wounds and brings comfort and healing. Will my pain go away because I choose to surrender my loss to Him? No. The pain is still there. But I hold onto hope. Hope that in time, God will show me joy in the midst of the pain. I cling to what He has in store for our family. I surrender my children - Finn and Addi into His hands, fully knowing that THEY ARE HIS FIRST. Yes, they are our children. Jason and I get to be their mommy and daddy; but I know full well that they belong to Him. And when He decides to call them home, I cling to the truth that they are His and He has a plan. He called Miller Baby #3 home before we got to meet him/her, but I step into the knowledge that this baby was His and for whatever reason, we weren't able to meet them. BUT, in my pain and in our loss, Jesus sits. Jesus holds. Jesus comforts and Jesus HEALS.
For those of you reading who have experienced a miscarriage, I'm SO SORRY. You are loved and I know the pain you're feeling. No one else can ever know the depth of this loss the way you do. Growing a human inside of you, then losing that baby, well, there's nothing quite like it. You're not alone. Cry if you need to cry. I have been telling myself not to cry; because that's not being strong for my kids. Jesus is teaching me this: it takes A LOT of STRENGTH to step into mourning. It's easier to ignore things. It's the simple thing to do to act like it's not bothering you and it wasn't a big deal. Girl, IT IS A BIG DEAL. And, it's OKAY to sit in that loss: mourn, be angry, question God and cry. God isn't afraid of your questions. But don't STAY in that state - grieve and ask the Lord to help you stand back up and ONE DAY AT A TIME, keep putting one foot forward to walk through the pain.
"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully and complex! Your workmanship is marvelous- and you watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book."
Pslam 139:12-16
