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Our Pregnancy Journey | Miscarriages + carrying full term


Trying to conceive can be one of the most stressful and trying times for a couple. For my husband Jason and I, our year and a half journey of trying to get pregnant, while experiencing miscarriage, was just that. Trying. Difficult. Sad. This was a time filled with so many emotions. I am sharing our journey on the blog because I know that during this process, I felt so alone. I don't want other couples who are experiencing similar circumstances to ever feel like they are alone in this. I never thought I would share such a private and tender subject with people, but the Lord has been reminding me that He comforts us in our own troubles so that we can be a comfort to those in need. Although our journey was one of heartbreak and sadness, it is also one of JOY and God's grace poured out so lovingly to us.

"He comforts us in all of our troubles, so that we may be able to be a comfort to others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given to us."

2 Corinthians 1:4 (NLT)

Jason and I got married September 14th, 2013. We had always talked about having children and how much we looked forward to that day. However, being newly married, we decided that we would wait a while before starting to try and conceive. It was important for us to have time together as a couple/married, before we brought children into our family. As time went on, my desire to be a mother and carry a child grew stronger. I am someone who has always had the deep longing to be pregnant and deliver a child. I have friends in my life who have a deep longing to be a mother; yet, don't have the same desire to carry the baby themselves, or are more comfortable with surrogates, adoption, etc. As for me, my longing was to be a mother and carry the child myself. I found out from my doctor about a year or so into our marriage that I have a condition that makes me predisposed to getting blood clots. We found this out earlier on, before our wedding, when the doctor recommended that I try out birth control so my body could get used to it before the wedding. Within a week I had two blood clots. However, we didn't find out until much later that this was a condition that I have and would continue for the rest of my life. Pregnancy comes with many health alternations and concerns. One of these health changes to the body is blood clots. Since for me, I had this condition that made it more likely that I would clot, this meant that without proper daily blood thinner injections, pregnancy could very likely kill me. My doctor also advised us that there was a chance that I would experience miscarriage. In addition, I have an autoimmune disease called, Celiac. Many women with celiac have difficulty conceiving, as well as experience miscarriage and inability to carry to term.

All of this information felt as though it hit me like a 500 pound truck, head on, crushing me and my hopes to every be a mom and carry a child. My husband was a rock. He reminded me of his love for me, the hope we have in Jesus and the power of prayer. We didn't let this hinder us from trying to have a baby. We tried for over a year and a half to conceive. Our issue wasn't getting pregnant, but keeping the baby. We experienced two miscarriages, fairly close together. Our first miscarriage was in May of 2015, where we miscarried around 11 weeks, our second came shortly after in August at around 9 weeks. The entire experience of it all crushed me. I felt completely alone, guilty, devastated and alone. Although I know this wasn't something that I could blame myself for, the feeling of guilt, shame and responsibility crept in nonetheless. My husband of course, was heartbroken as well; however, because he never experienced the physical loss/emotional attached the way I did, he didn't know how to relate. He couldn't understand the depth of what I was feeling. Looking back now, I realize that this is okay. It's not his fault that he couldn't relate. Carry a child inside of you is a unique thing - something a father can't share in the same way as you. I encouraged those of you who are experiencing this type of loss now, don't push one another away. Ladies, I know it's so difficult. I know it's easy to lash out at your husband for not understanding. Explain to him how you're feeling. Let him comfort you, but don't make him feel badly for not fully understanding. I remember Jason saying, "It doesn't feel the same for me because I only saw a positive sign on a pregnancy test. I didn't see the baby growing inside you/body changes and I didn't experience getting to see the baby on an ultrasound". I remember feeling so angry because this felt as though he was saying it wasn't important. The loss we experienced, the child we will never meet, wasn't important. That's not what he meant at all. It's just different for men because they experience everything so differently than we do.

I continued to experience more medical issues throughout our trying to conceive journey. I ended up in the hospital with a rather large cyst on my right ovary. Apparently this cyst had been there for a while. We were told that this would also make it more difficult to conceive. After talking with one another, and lots of prayer, we decided that we would take a break from trying to conceive and allow my body some rest time. We gave ourselves a few months and decided to try again in the new year. We devoted this time to praying. We serve a living God, a good and gracious father who wants to give us good gifts. We had hope that one day we would be able to conceive and carry full term. According to our daughter's due date, our doctor told us we most likely conceived on New years Eve. (How funny! This is the very first day we started to try again) God is so good! Our baby girl, Addison Grace Miller was born exactly three years after we got married on our wedding anniversary - September 14th, 2016. What a blessing!! Holding my baby girl in my arms for the very first time was like nothing else I have ever experienced. There are no words to describe the feeling I felt.

I am currently 32 weeks pregnant with our second child. The worries and fears during pregnancy don't go away; yet, neither does Jesus. His truth rings true every day and he calls me to lay down my fears and anxieties at his feet. He has our precious baby boy in his hands, the same way he held Addison so tightly, cared for her and allowed me the privilege of carrying her full term. Mama's, don't let your hearts be troubled. Jesus is near. Draw close to Him in your pain and heartache. He knows the desires of your heart. Continue to call out to him and bring your requests to Him. Be open to the things he's saying to you in your waiting process.

There is a worship song called "Sovereign over us" that to this day bring so much joy and hope to my soul. There's a part in it that says, "There is strength within the sorrow. There is beauty in our tears and you meet us in our mourning with a love that casts out fears. Your plans are STILL to prosper; you have NOT forgotten us. You're with us in the fire and the flood. Even what the enemy means for evil, you turn it for our good and for your glory".

I truly hope our story encourages someone out there who is feeling the same way. You are not alone.

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